• Brian Gallagher

All dressed up and no place to go


IMAGE COURTESY SHUTTERSTOCK

Well that was nice to get outside for just a few short days wasn’t it? We went from frigid winter to friggin’ COVID-19 to freaking hot in just a few weeks it seems. Let’s recap the last 4 ½ months shall we dear readers? See if you have been going through the same trials and tribulations that seem to be plaguing me in 2020.

January

Cold. Winter. Olives in martini will freeze if I attempt happy hour on the patio. Retreat back indoors to the warm and safe glow of Edison bulbs and my fake wall fireplace. Consume copious amounts of ‘comfort food’ and dream of a time I can venture back out into the wild.

February

Cold. Winter (I repeat myself when under stress…). Holes start to appear in this year’s edition of Walmart winter sweatpants. Decide that it is probably time to do a load of laundry. Realize that underneath all this wool and flannel the winter ‘layer of loveableness’ has again restricted my already limited wardrobe choices. Retreat to the couch, make a resolution to be in better shape for the spring, begin by putting one less olive in the martini (baby steps, ya know but you have to start somewhere and for those of you who think that this isn’t a sacrifice? Well…).

March

Start to see that the yard is once again emerging from under its white winter blanket. Notice that now instead of white the property looks like a Dalmatian’s coat. Make promise to clean up said property once the weather is nicer. Add this to my spring ‘Landscape Yourself to Lean’ to-do list. Retreat back into the sanctuary of Netflix, cheese puffs and gin-soaked olives.

April

Operation ‘Landscape Yourself to Lean’ gets torpedoed by a pandemic apparently named after a Mexican beer. Now I have been known to enjoy a cold cerveza or two on a nice sunny afternoon and from my experience, Corona, like The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, would never hurt anyone. I don’t care what the Ghostbusters say. Stay home, stay safe. Stay fat. Stay happy.

May 1-25

Slowly make my way out of the groundhog hole, tentatively sniff the air and look for predators. Find it scary to manoeuvre through the ravenous crowds all desperately trying to make their own properties beautiful while we are all sequestered. Luckily I did make it through the shopping excursions physically (if not emotionally) unscathed. Shangri-la is now properly beautified and bedecked in colour. According to the Warden, we can now even have other inmates come over to our cell and visit, but they can’t stay too long because guests are still not allowed to pee here, just sit two metres away on the patio (yes I did clean up the property).

May 26 – onward

Summer. Hot. Too hot. Where was spring? April showers and all that jazz? Head back inside to the soothing soft cool breeze of air conditioning and yummy take-in. Add extra olives to the martini. Cut the winter sweatpants down to a nice pair of flannel shorts. Because let’s face it beautiful people – it doesn’t look like I’m going outside anytime soon.

Sociable!

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